Once my teacher in 4th grade asked me, “What are you afraid of?”
After giving it a real thought, I replied ‘My dad’s anger”
She seemed to be disappointed by my answer, so she asked “What else? Something that realy you think would bother you and scare the hell out of you?”
I was like, whatever man, “Monsters!” She got more disappointed and being completely dissatified by my answers, she stopped pushing it any further.
But then, when I was in 8th grade, I happened to ask the same question to myself. What am I afraid of? And the answer came, fear of not trying. Meaning, I am afraid of the thought that someday my spirit would break and would not give a second try or may be I would feel reluctant to try something new. That thought gave me horrors. I dont know how much curious I am about life and its so very nature, but I am pretty sure, that I dont want to miss any part of it. Though its one big implausible task, but atleast I want to do the best I can. It does not necessarily have to be exploring lands and nature by travelling the world, but touching simple unexploited areas of our daily menial chores.
For a long time it happened to be my only fear. Though I never had to really face it, and even if I did, I would never come to know at that particular time. So it was the only fear that would make me uneasy about what and whom I wanted to be and who I realy am.
But then one day, I fell in love. And so much so that she happened to add a fear to my life. And that fear was of losing her. Fear of never getting to see her again, talk to her again and listen to her again. Fear of she not being a centre to my lively actions and tasks. Fear of not getting to know her adventures again, fear of not getting to listen her singing again, fear of singing with her again, fear of fighting her again.
She happen to become such an important part of my life that I literally cannot breathe air for an hour without thinking of her. And for so long from when I fell for her, this fear did came to be realised for quite sometime. And I know, oh God, I know how much I have been alone all that time. How much dark and aloof I have been. And trust me, I never want to be there again. It gives me goosebumps listening to songs which I used to listen then. It gives me chills thinking that someday again, I will lose her.
I just never to feel that fear again, though even today and everyday I wake up trying to keep up. She is here, I get to talk, listen and argue. But that fear, it has been deep down, warning and signaling stereotypic situations with her which led me to being alone. I fight it everytime, thought of losing her….