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That added flavor of fear!

Once my teacher in 4th grade asked me, “What are you afraid of?”

After giving it a real thought, I replied ‘My dad’s anger”

She seemed to be disappointed by my answer, so she asked “What else? Something that realy you think would bother you and scare the hell out of you?”

I was like, whatever man, “Monsters!” She got more disappointed and being completely dissatified by my answers, she stopped pushing it any further.

But then, when I was in 8th grade, I happened to ask the same question to myself. What am I afraid of? And the answer came, fear of not trying. Meaning, I am afraid of the thought that someday my spirit would break and would not give a second try or may be I would feel reluctant to try something new. That thought gave me horrors. I dont know how much curious I am about life and its so very nature, but I am pretty sure, that I dont want to miss any part of it. Though its one big implausible task, but atleast I want to do the best I can. It Continue reading That added flavor of fear!

Only if there was a little love in your heart for me

I was in office working, when I again started missing her. Yeah give me some idle time and my brain takes me exactly where I don’t want to go. Place where I get insecure and start to panic. Have not heard her voice since some 15 days. She has been too busy….well don’t want to talk all about it. So sitting in office, I heard her saying “Wish we could go away from world, from everyone”. This is what she once said, and I could not resist to stop thinking about it.So I just fired up my laptop and opened Sticky Notes and just started to write, I don’t know what I was about to write. Things just started coming to me, and my fingers started typing, going back and forth, spacing, backspacing, entering…just typing something. And when I was done I realized, I wrote a poem, a short poem. Here goes:
Only if there was a place on earth for us to hide,
I would make there a Paradise for you to be a princess. 
Only if there was running away from mob and others,
I would run to eternity with you.
Only if dying was end of  the life,
I would just die in your arms to live the most in the end.
Only if there was a little love in your heart for me, I would show you how much I would hide, run and die for you to be with me. 
And now, I just felt to post it down, so here I am, writing down listening Ellie’s Love me like you do, a post after long time. Though I did not expected myself to write anymore of blogs, but here I am. May be I hit my break even. Well that’s all. There’s a lot, but I don’t feel like writing anything more. Ciao
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I remember every shade

Well yes the day has arrived. The bright side of it. Let’s start it from the root of it. The very first time I kind of admired her was the day when we were returning back home from our School Trip. I remember the day very well, a typical Mumbai’s Octoberish evening with bright sun setting under. Was just a general day until first time I talked to her and it was some stupid ‘needy’ humor. And the day just slipped normally. That time I was not in love with her but it was a normal boyish attraction to a good looking girl. Well but was a day taking a big nod. Next time I ever admired her was when we got to be in same coaching classes. Well I am a reserved kind; I did not used to talk much with anyone, and specially girls there. Not that I broke the ice someday. Was still  everything quite usual. As time passed we talked, tease, etc. normal things, things which are normal in the most swaggish group of any class. And suddenly I fell in for her. That’s how love struck my way. See…it was uncalled for, right? I remember the night very well, all I could visualise was HER in front of me. And I realized that I have got a person in my life that makes world beautiful just by being on it. I was flattered! Her hair, I have been lost in them since that time. Her forehead always has eye brows on their peak height, exclamating all she said. Her eyes, they are the ocean of innocence, deeper as you go. There they blink and here I skip a heart beat. Her eyes give me my moments. Yes my MOMENTS. I call them MOMENTS…sights which I witnessed that only eternity could wash from my mind, for time never can. To start with I would go back when we met for the first time after I told her about how I feel, she was solving a Trigonometry sum on the first bench. She looked at me smiling and obviously I was looking at her. That MOMENT while we looked at each other, like thousands of words we shared in that moment. Memory of that moment, still gives me that same feeling of goose bumps I got then. Well that moment was the beginning of the never ending IDK…a love story? After you read it all tell me what can it be. Well count in the next moment which was the Farewell Day at school. The day she looked so beautiful I lost my entire vocab complementing her. She was like a shining star walking in the darkest cosmos. I still do not believe that a person can be so so so beautiful. She twinkled bright around all dull asteroids. Maroon Sari, fancy brown footwear, colorful bangles…cannot describe more or else I will reach some other dimension of my life. I meant it to compliment her A Miss Universe! She looked like a thousand Suns lighting and heating my world beneath. Imagine a Princess walking in a rob! Well let’s get to the point or else I would just keep bragging about it. So while the program was going on, I was chatting with her sitting around 10 rows behind hers. And I sent something which brought her attention to me and she looked back holding her hair and with a broad smile and exclamation mark on her face, that moment…her smile….can ‘t express. I lost in that star of cosmos…literally. I lost everything else in a fog at that moment. Okay coming to the next, the time after the Farewell Day we met at night and were suppose to go back home together. While I was on my way getting there I got a bit stuck up in traffic and she called me. She was tired waiting and in all her annoyance she said “Meet me at my funeral”. And I lost it, I yelled at her shutting her up. I got furious. The moment I reached there, the look on her face told me that she knows she crossed the line. Well yeah it was over reacting but I could never hear something like that and I was young. But that tine worst of me gets in. So I spoke nothing. I ignored her facing the other side. She then patted her hand on my shoulder, I turned myself to her furiously and she suddenly held her ears…starring right through my eyes with her innocent moist eye…and she softly said “I am sorry”. I can’t express that moment. I could not hold onto myself. I felt like hugging her tight into my arm never let her go and tell her it was okay. But all I did was looking at her…dumb and unspoken till the end of it. That expression of hers melted me. Yes I could not stand the sight of her sadness. Let’s get out of it now. So then my MOMENT was while I was starring at her while she was studying Geography in the bus for our Preliminary exams. Early winter morning, empty bus, she sitting on opposite seat as she did not wanted to be disturbed. I was a jerk; I never studied enroute exams, never! And was looking at her, she gracefully sat there…unmoved until a cold breeze took away away her attention and distracted towards her hair floating and flying in the air. Making an expression of discomfort she tucked back them in. Then trying to hold onto pages getting flapped. I quietly kept observing and all I know is just I kept observing and smiling. Ohhh it hurts while I cherish it now, such a lucky scumbag I was. Would never see it again because she would never come with me. Moving on to the MOMENT when I looked at her from my class’s window down at her waiting for me as I was late making up for my science practical which were apparently held after her class got over with it. So she was looking at me with deep feeling of me to get over with experiments quickly. That look turned me up and I got all the energy in the world with me to get over with practical, and trust me the moment I got over with it I ran the fastest ever down the stairs to her. Insane? I know. Try loving person like I do you would get it. Could not see her getting more tired and as I later learnt that she had a rough day. Yeah was a gentleman…always been and she kniws it. And the next comes our walks to her street back from school. MY BEST TIMES! Every time she kept on talking and I did all the hearing part. No matter whether I was getting along with what she said but it kind of sounded like my favorite tune. “Words fell from your lips and what I heard was white.noise in the dark”. She use to question stupid things sometimes, like why is sky blue? I tried to give her the best answers I could but she then counter interrogates. She used to do it on purpose…irritating me with all her crazy but adorable pokings. I kind of miss such Q from her now. There is another anecdote of those walks which I have embraced it well in my memories. My shoe lace used to get untied while walking and she always poked me to tie them on or else she won’t walk further. Well IDK what is so peculiar about this thing but it is one of small things which make you happy. And let me confess, I purposely used to neglect my untied laces and waited for her to scold me. Even today when I got untied laces…I walk half a block ignoring it but then tie them up as this time there is no one to stop me. Then comes the day when I got My Title or simply my Life’s best compliment. Induced by my chatting character and my love struck compliments she complimented me for the first time and that too I had to crave to her for saying it. I had bombarded with the same question the whole walk…asking what was it. Finally she said it at the end of the walk. She just spelt it and walked away quickly with a shy smile falling off her face. “R-O-M-A-N-T-I-C” it was. I stood there for sometime wondering did I hear it right. Feels like my lifetime achievement award till this date. IDK if I am still the most Romantic guy, I never asked it. Am I? Look up at me and answer. The next MOMENT comes after our SSC exams when she was going to Delhi for 50 days. I remember it precisely as I made a countdown every morning. So it was when we met the day before she left near my place. Well these days she won’t meet me even at place of her convenience. Anyways so I remember she just adopted a new hair style that day with some hair hanging on her forehead. IDK what it is called. Also she applied eye liner that day which she seldomly did. She looked different and more pretty. So that day there were instances in that meet that I just looked at her and got in my own world while other were busy talking things including her. “Was going to miss her very badly for sure” was the feeling and was afraid too. Felt insecure, incomplete and lost. Could not say anything about what I felt. Could not even greet her properly. Just smiled towards her and so did she. So then she went the next morning and my countdown started. I used to call her or my friend in conference. Thirsty hears got their adjustable living. I remember once while talking to her, I missed her so much that I looked at the moon and told her to look at it. Yeah I am R-O-M-A-N-T-I-C, ain’t I? LOL. It just felt like I was watching her. Even today when I miss her out of the world kind, I simply look at the moon and cherish within myself. Then when she returned, she warned me in advance that she would not meet for 4 days as she had some other family commitments. Yeah nothing was worse. Next few months were terrible would like not to ruin this moment. Things got worse; the last blog has the overview. But my fate had her coming back in my life. Again it was coaching classes but at a higher dimension this time. But let’s just go a bit rewind of this. Time when our SSC results were out. And the thing is we both scored the exact same percentage. What are the odds! I was so happy inferring that we had a very good chance of getting into the same college. But there always has to be a hurdle. We got admission in different colleges. Luck or fate, whatever you call it. It has been the biggest disadvantage of my life. When I wind things back in my memories in my free time I always realize this as a bad spot in the story. Because being with her would have been quite a different life and at present would have been still as close as I was. Upon that she got shifted else place. All alone…seldom interactions. She got her friends and I could only sob over myself. Sorry got a bit carried away, this blog is meant to be the bright side. So then, we happened to be in the same coaching classes again. As I mentioned, ignited the fire of hopes for me again. More opportunities to interact. But with a person like me interactions are just awkward. So couple of years just passed through then. And then comes the day of admissions for IPCC. A long queue and everything was some flee market. I knew she would be there. My friends were done with formalities and I was left behind without any company. I was tired with the waiting and also a bit nervous knowing she was around. But one thing led to another we fortunately got to talk to each other in private. Well there was not anything like a private matter to be conversed but that’s how we had always talked because I always hunched with people around especially her friends. Watching me tired she bought me some biscuits as we had to wait for some more significant time. Those biscuits tasted sweetest then I have ever tasted. I was like on cloud 9 thinking she bought them for me. Her fingers…her talks…her hands…her eyes…her smile I remember every bit of it. I felt top of the world. But I did not felt it right. It was not the same like we used to talk before. No, it was not her…it was me. She was everything she used to be like. Deep down inside I was not feeling right. That day and thereafter I could never be the same person while talking like I really am or I am suppose to. Well again its not the topic. So then the next MOMENT comes when I used to stare her in lectures. Yeah a stalker, I always was. And this one time she was looking in window mirror during the lecture. She made her hair neat; stretching her top down the waist…looking again with different side faces checking her looks from all possible sides. I was shocked to see that. Literally shocked! She never used to do such things and…that’s what not she is like. For around 10-15 mikes she kept doing that and I was just looking and wandering when she did got so girlish. I mean what just happened…did she found a guy? But it was so adorable! I wish she was getting ready to meet me. Never possible though. And with likes of people like me…never.she would meet me like that. I kind of lost myself looking at her. Guys around me were wondering which girl was I looking at (but they never found out) and suddenly I realized that I was staring. I mean like woke up from a dream. I could not resist and again started staring at her. I laughed into myself. How beautiful she was and what a cute moment that was, darn! In those days many a times it happened that we looked at each other at same time. I used to squeeze out all the love I could in those moments. I would look how much ever deep I could into her eyes. Ohhh…those pictures are like ohh…the shine of her cheeks embrasses flowers! That’s how much beautiful she is! Enough of this moments, because I have got lots of them and do not want to doze my readers off. In fact I generalized the latter ones. Wonder what memories her eyes gave me. The next take is her nose….tall and somewhat similar to mine. It is the cutest thing. Her cheeks, like I said they shy off the flowers, just adorable. Her lips, words are never enough to express them. HER SMILE…they help people watch the Eighth Wonder. There is nothing I can say to express it. But just feel them! Her ears, tall as of a horse and half the sharp as Spock’s. Her hands and fingers…you will know if at all you have ever seen an Angel. Her waist…lean as it gets. Her legs…again as tall as horses. I recollect we used to fight with legs under the bench in our 10th grade coaching classes. Always was a tough one. Wonder if ever I get to do it again. Her heart…as pure as flawless deep sea and high sky. Strong and forgiving, very forgiving trust me. Her mind…the SMARTEST. Her humor…childish but the one I would die to hear. Her dressing, simple and elegant! Her voice…plays tunes of violins into me. It reaches beneath my soul. Her nature…all I can say is that’s what makes me love her. Love her to the core.
I just realize I am making my first paragraph. Been a long long read. Well I know it all sounds exaggerated…lame…unreal…crazy…and trust me that’s exactly how it is. It was a young love when it all started and it just got younger every day. I never told her how much I love her…never. I always got thousands of things to say to her in my mind but it just never pops out. I just feel never to say. Bealcause it is not the time yet. But yes I want her…more than anything in the world…yes I want to always be by her side…take care of her…and be the man of my girl! Yes I am jealous of everyone close to her. Every darn person! Yes I want her to care for me…love me…be with me. Yes even I want to have someone who is a TRUE FRIEND, a lover, a care taker and yeah also the toughest task master. I also want to be motivated. Yes I want my own love story too. I want HER! But it just blows away…and all that strikes me is “I do not deserve her. Yeah, she is just too good for me.” Isn’t that right? Too hard on myself, right? Or a loser? It’s always been like that. But I am a fighter and she knows that, don’t you? Answer it. I will always try to get you. Yes always…and I know you will love me back someday, you will. And I will wait…as long as it takes irrespective of anything….anything! I have patience as a gods gift. And also I am a HOPELESSLY HOPEFULL person. Ain’t I…look up at me and answer.
Moving on to when sometimes I share my problems which frustrate me with her, she always say you complicate things whereas those problems have quite simple solutions. And I sometimes do that intentionaly, I just love the way she makes me understand. So I keep interrogating and she says all she has in her book. I know its not right but here’s where I will be selfish and not let my adorable moments pass in vain. Her mind set and her priciples are exactly what I feel thay are. Because I have similar of that kinds in me. But she will always deny saying “You do not know me!” Its kind of cute when she says that but even I admit at some page I would not know what she thinks.
Anyways….whole day I just virtually talk to her. Like day dreaming stuff. And I ask for solution to my problem to her. And I think what she must have done. It works, if not right on target but at least gives me a trail. So I keep on talking with her in my mind. And I always keep thinking about her. Something or the other part but it just flies into my mind.
There are so many more incidents to share but I will conclude on this. To you MY BADF (My Beautiful Adorable and Darling Fairy) for all I say, you just remember that every day you wake up there is a guy who prays for your good day. He literally does that. Every time you have lunch there is always a guy singing grace for you. Every night you sleep he always wishes you to sleep without any worries and come back harder next day. Every day you live he prays for your pink of the health. Every time you smile he skips a heartbeat. Every time you are sad he is always ready to cheer you up. Though how bad he is at it. Every time you cry he wants to kill himself. But he will give you a shulder to cry upon and will be by your side. Every time you are in trouble he is always ready to help you, always! All you need is to call him up and give him a chance. Every time you need someone to share you got his undivided attention. He will always want you to be happy, in fact jhakkas. Even if it requires him to give up everything. He always is thinking of you. He always loves you, till his grave. And he never forgets anything; he remembers everything…every damn thing. He is doing something crazy for you right now and is always going to do and he will never let you know. Will never! He is just crazy for you. He never wants you to be hurt…never! And you know what mountains he can climb to do all those things and if you do not know, just never let it occur to him because if at all he lives something with is his HOPE that you at least respect his love if nothing else. Do not break his trust of he getting that respect and that all his secrets are safe with you. He knows they are safe, he trusts you blindly. And you are the person who means the most to him! You are no more his obsession but his PASSION. And you know things he is passionate about is what he is very very sound and sensible with.
Just never leave me! You have changed and inspired my life in the most unique way. I cannot imagine my world with out you. I cannot let you go. I can be all you want. And whatever happens you never loose yourself. Do not loose your spirit and faith in people, may whatever happen because you are not one of them. You always be same for me. I would love you and you will always be beautiful for me come what may happen. Just never cry! And when you miss him hand yourself that Cross he gave you or look at he moon beacause he probably is doing the same thing, he’s got another Cross or a moon to feel you on the other side. Will you do that when you miss him? And remember your pact with him, “I.must be the first person to know when you will fell in love with someone”. So try keeping up that promise.
And with that I conclude my one of the brightest moments of my life. It takes a turn somewhere down there but fine. Will come back stronger and with a different theme. And sorry readers to doze you all off. Thank you for reading and please share any such part of your life if you are comfortable with it. TY once again.